


Good Enough

by lizardcookie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, dueling jily, fighting jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7723312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardcookie/pseuds/lizardcookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were standing chest to chest, lungs working in tandem and minds blazing. Her wand was still pushed against his heart and he could see gold in her green gaze, but maybe that was his own eyes shining back at him. One move forward and their feet touched now. </p><p>"Duel. You and me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Enough

Those three words were going to drive him up a fucking wall. **  
**

“Not good enough,” she repeated. James stared down at her, glaring.

“That’s the fifth time you’ve asked me to demonstrate, Lily. It’s good. _I’m_ good. Great, even, if you’d just give me a break.” She shook her head at him, stomping past the desk and back to the open tomb she’d pulled out of her bag an hour ago.

“Wrong,” Lily told him and James threw his head back with an exasperated sigh. “It’s front jab, left twist to circle up and then what?”

“Flick down.”

“No! No, it’s vere left! To the left, not down! Merlin’s pants, James, I’ve shown it to you how many times–”

“Exactly, Lily!” Annoyance flowed through his veins. Honestly, of all nights for Lily to suddenly become a sadistic version of McGonagall, she had to pick the night after a full moon. He was sore, exhausted, and more than done with this new plan to remove any hope he’d have of a nice relaxing stroll through the halls with his girlfriend.

“Is a Death Eater going to let you do it again? ‘Oh Potter!,’” Lily impersonated shrilly, “'I, too, struggled with such a wonderfully simple deflective charm! Have another go, son.’ _No_.” She paced back and forth behind the desk. Lily never could stay still when she was angry. “Gee, Voldemort,” she went on in a deep mock James-voice that could have been humorous in any situation besides this one, “I was too busy not caring about my girlfriend’s help to learn the charm! Oh, Voldemort-”

“Don’t you accuse me of not caring,” he snapped, angry. She met his gaze unflinchingly. “Don’t think I don’t understand perfectly why you’re standing here lecturing me about a vere left even though you know Flitwick has said before that a flick down can be just as effective.”

“ _Can_ be, James, not _is_!”

“You’re being awfully critical for someone who can’t Vanish flying objects yet.” He hit a nerve. He knew she was still frustrated about last week’s lesson and he was rubbing salt on the wound. Good reflexes could not compare with James’ years spent on the Pitch, and he was the only one by end of lesson to be able to Vanish an artillery of objects being sent from all sides while Lily could only Vanish a small borage from the front. James knew he was pushing her to the point of a fight and he did not necessarily regret it. She’d been on edge all week and wouldn’t talk it over with him. Push and prod though he tried, James couldn’t get Lily to talk to him about graduation coming soon. She wouldn’t talk to him about how he had to find out from Slughorn that she never applied for the research position at the Ministry. She wouldn’t admit that she hasn’t eaten a full meal in a month and she won’t acknowledge the strain that was evident around her eyes.

Petulant and childish though it seemed, James was hurt. He wanted Lily to talk to him. He wanted to help her process some of the fear she’d obviously been trying so hard to hide from him. He also wanted Lily to realize that he’s been biting his nails and hasn’t flown his broom in weeks and that he too has been playing the avoidance and escape game. That scared him. He didn’t want Lily to become nothing more than his release and he certainly hoped Lily saw him as more than a superficial outlet. He wanted this thing they’ve been doing for months to last. He wanted them to be able to handle this messy business of leaving Hogwarts and entering into what they know will be war.

His grandmother’s engagement ring is in his drawer. Mum showed it to him over Easter break, and didn’t notice that he pocketed the box later that evening.

So while James wants this thing that they’ve been doing to last, he also knows he’s reckless and has never been the most mature about handling things. He wants this fight. He’s determined that they’ll feel something bigger than the fear that’s been growing. They need this fight. They need what this will become.

“Think you’re better than me, Lily?” He felt his heart begin to race like it used to before a match. “You think your time studying theory is enough? I’ve seen your latest attempts at the Conjunctivitis Curse and it’s not up to your usual standard. Any fifth year would block it.”

She slammed the book shut and shot him a look of pure loathing. “Is that right? Fine, then, start sending daggers this way! I’ll Vanish them. Or is conjuring a blade too complicated for the bloke who can’t brew a nonverbal elixir?”

James snorted derisively. “I’m not going to send off real daggers towards the girl whose _expulso_ put a kid to the Hospital Wing because she used the wrong inflection.”

“You couldn’t get that one either!“

“I’ve at least conjured a corporeal patronus.” He did it. That was the edge and he pushed her. Lily let out a scream of anger as she pushed the defensive charm book to the floor, marching up to James. She’d drawn her wand without his notice but it was now poked at his chest as she locked eyes with him, angrier than he’d ever seen her.

“Think you’re better than me? Is that what this is about? You haven’t even _begun_ to see what I can—“

“Not better,” he interrupted. "We’re equals in Defense. Charms and Transfiguration keep that balance. You want to fight Death Eaters? Show me what you’ve got, Evans.” They were standing chest to chest, lungs working in tandem and minds blazing. Her wand was still pushed against his heart and he could see gold in her green gaze, but maybe that was his own eyes shining back at him. One move forward and their feet touched now. "Duel. You and me. Standard wizard law with exception of the second wand.”

“We mark at three,” was her consent. She turned from him. He turned from her.

One, two, three steps and chaos.

There had been multiple theories as to why Dumbledore had picked his Head students as he did. There was the academic perspective in that It has almost always been Lily Evans versus James Potter for the top seat. There was the political perspective in that James Potter dripped of pureblood upbringing in all things but bigotry, as well as the knowledge that Evans was a common, lowly name for the muggleborn witch. Then there was the theory that Dumbledore picked his Head students to for their unique specialties. Lily Evans and James Potter had always been exemplary duelers.

They’ve dueled each other before in class. They have sparred together for demonstrations and grades and always enjoyed it, even before they were dating. Lily Evans liked how James Potter challenged her skill. Being paired with Sirius Black or the Hufflepuff Andrew Pinkby, both of whom were highly proficient in a duel, could not match the thrill she got when she got to go toe to toe with James Potter. He had always seemed to understand her, and there lay the challenge. He knew when she was feigning and he knew her style of curse and he knew exactly when she was about to draw a shield charm. He had always just seemed to know. But his understanding of her movements and her magic also meant that she understood his. James can’t hide his search for an object to transfigure to his advantage and he tended to use too much push when he’s about to curse rather than defend. If she weren’t so hurt and pissed, Lily would have been preparing for a bit of fun.

Instead she was angry and confused and taking her aggression out on the person who least deserved it, but he was letting her. He egged her on. He wanted this fight as much as she did and neither one was holding back. James made quick use of transfiguring a chair and now had several smoke bombs flying at her, but he had to dive to avoid the ropes she directed at his ankles. She charmed a raincloud above him, knowing his vision would be impaired in the wetness.

“Dirty trick,” he muttered loud enough for Lily to hear. She almost smiled.

Blasts of air whipped at her robes until Lily was suddenly spinning in place, the room moving faster and faster as she took a moment to break out of the twister James designed.

“Finite!” She yelled and was thrown onto the ground with more force than she would have liked. Landing hard on her elbow with an oof, Lily rolled over and pointed her wand straight at her head and cast a quick disillusionment charm. It would buy her enough time to stand and get her next attack started. She moved position and looked for James, whom she had expected to see near the supplies cabinet. Turning slowly with her wand poised, Lily concentrated her search instead to the desks that had piled in the back of the classroom. He may have utilized their size as a fort.

A chair fell on its side by itself on the opposite end of the room, helped by some unseen force unto the ground. The noise, which came from her left, startled her before she realized what was happening. “Standard wizard law does not allow Invisibility cloaks, prat!”

“I don’t see how it’s different than that disillusionment,” he called back, but James ripped the cloak down from over his head. They fired curses at the same time and they met in midair, ricocheting off the chalkboard and the old teachers desk and back towards James, who prevented a collision with a lazy flick of his wand. Lily sent a yellow jet of light that hit it’s mark near his wrist, and James had to catch his own wand as it flew from one hand into the other. He directed a silver stream of what looked like satin ribbons towards her, the use of his subdominant hand not slowing him down. He blocked whatever orange hex came from her wand and she was caught in smoke and rubble from one of his transfigured bombs but had still managed to aim _tarantellegara_ at James before she lost visual. The smoke had disguised the fact that she was now in the corner of the room and was stuck fighting a battle of attrition.  

It was his size that ultimately won him over. Lily had to roll past a desk in order to avoid the jinx  he had aimed at her, and he saw his chance when she took only a second too slow to realize that she had rolled right into the corner. Striding over towards her, James accepted the Bruising Blast she sent at his shoulder. He didn’t flinch as the curse made its mark because he saw victory and she saw it too. She was trapped between desks and the wall with only one way to go. James towered over her as she backed up with one, two, three steps until there she was, pressed between the brick wall and his body.

His wand was at her throat and his free hand kept her locked in place. Her wand was stabbing his side, not willing to lose this duel just yet. Neither one of them spoke as they stood together, breathing hard. Her hair was as unkempt as his was and his eyes gleamed from behind his glasses. Without needing to signal the other, they both threw their wands to the ground as James’ mouth collided with her’s and she threw her arms round his neck, clutching at his hair and pulling him closer and closer to her until they were sliding down the wall and unto the floor. Moments like these helped her forget what was happening, and that’s why she knew that this was wrong and the exact sort of behavior that had led them to a duel of all things.

“ _Shit_ ,” she muttered, and suddenly she rolled out from underneath him before anything could happen that really, really shouldn’t happen in an old classroom. Her head was clogged with all things James as it tended to be whenever things go heated. But she knew what she wanted– to talk. She knew she had made a horrible habit of avoiding things and it was time for her to stop. This is the boy who had stuck by her side since October and would stick by her side for as long as he could, and she was taking advantage of that.

She wanted this thing they’re been doing to last. Lily knew that something big was coming soon and she had to sort James out before she could face anything else, inside or outside these castle walls. “Shit,” she repeated breathlessly, still lying on the floor. Lily watched James clench his fist, take a shaky breath, and rest his forehead on the tile. “Alright, James?”

“You’re going to have to give me a moment,” came the mumbled response. Sitting up now, she rested her hand on his shoulder but he shook it off. “Bad move. Stay… stay put, and please for the love of Merlin’s mother keep those hands to yourself.” She smiled for the first time all evening.

“Sorry,” Lily said coyly. He lifted his head up to glare at her, but the malice from earlier was gone. She could see her James in this tease.

“I don’t believe you.”

She shrugged, still smiling, but did up the buttons on her blouse up for his sake anyway. Adrenaline and hormones wearing off, Lily could start to feel the duel’s physical tolls take hold. She took a moment to evaluate the classroom and her face dropped. They’d done damage to at least half the student desks, some of it irreparable. Scorch marks and etching from hexes decorated the floors and the walls. Then there was James himself, who sported a cut above his eyebrow. Lily inspected her wand arm to find that her elbow was broken open and the area around it was sticky with blood and already turning purple. She didn’t notice that James had moved, but he was sitting pressed against her and grabbed her arm, turning it over to examine the damage for himself. He didn’t speak until he poked around her swollen knee and made sure that the singed holes on her socks didn’t cause burns on her ankles. “Fuck, Evans,” he muttered lowly, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, either,” she whispered, then brushed her fingers along the gash above his eye. It was just a shallow scrape. But she knew from the stiff way he moved that he was already in pain, and she remembered the bruise she knew she caused. Lily unbuttoned his shirt (“Oh, are we doing this again?” earned him an eye roll) and shook the sleeve off his arm to look at his shoulder where a bruise the exact dimensions of a Snitch stared back at her. There was also redness around his side where she had been pressing her wand only a few minutes ago; it seemed to have burned him. James hissed when she moved her fingers from the bruise to the burn. Guilt gripped at her that wasn’t entirely related to his physical pain. “I think all I’ve done lately is hurt you,” she confessed, hoping he couldn’t hear the tears in her voice.

He cracked a lopsided grin for her sake, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “If this is going to get serious,” James remarked, “I’d like to be fully clothed.”

“Right,” Lily nodded, then scooted back to put some distance between them. She moved so she could think more clearly, but James only saw how reserved she became and how she didn’t want to engage with him and all his anxieties about dating Lily Evans came rushing to the surface. That he was the one who more more committed, more devoted. That she saw this as a phase and a stepping stone in her life and he was no more than a fun experience and a story to tell. That she didn’t mean “I love you” in the way that he did– stupidly and willingly and completely so–  and that she never would because she was through with him.

That he still wasn’t and never would be good enough.

James stared towards the door, too late in realizing there was a chance that he wasn’t going to like what happened in this conversation. “Filch will be here any moment and see that we managed to destroy an entire classroom. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to graduate without needing to return to school to serve the year long detention sentence he’s going to give us.” Yes, leave. They won’t have to talk and he won’t hear her say that they weren’t working out and that graduation would be the end of them. He pushed himself off the cold stone, but her hand gripped his arm, yanking him down.

“I cast _muffliato_ before we started,” she told him. “We are staying right here… I think we… We have to talk.“

James let out a long breath before he resigned himself to fate with a simple “Yeah, okay,” and mirrored her position. Legs crossed, hands folded in lap, somber expression on face. Lily was right. They had to talk. She was, after all, slightly more mature than he was about these things. He stared at her and she stared at him, neither one wanting to begin and both knowing who should.

“I’m sorry,” Lily admitted. “I’ve been awful these last weeks.”

“No, you haven’t,” he interrupted protectively. She gave him a good eye roll.

“I have, and you’re not doing yourself any favors by denying it. You’ve been nothing but good to me and I always knew I could just tell you what was going on in my head but I never did.”

“Why not?” James heard himself ask. His voice sounded more hurt than he would have liked, but he found out he didn’t care. Lily needed to see what he’s been going through. “I’ve asked you what’s wrong and I’ve given you space and nothing worked. Why couldn’t you tell me?”

She winced a little and hesitated before answering. “If I tell you that it’s not you, it’s me, would you hate me?”

“I’m considering it,” he huffed, crossing his arms across his chest and pulling his legs up closer to his body, wrapping himself in the idea that this was the end of it. He kept his gaze on her, however, trying to maintain contact with her flickering eyes. James didn’t need to see her fidgeting hands to tell that she was nervous; he could practically feel her anxiety roll off her in waves.

“I didn’t know what I wanted,” she started. “I didn’t want you to think I was weak or afraid or that I can’t handle myself, because I can. I can fight and my dad left me just enough to be able to find somewhere to stay. See?“ she reasoned, obviously expecting him to understand exactly where she was going with this. "I can be by myself,” she repeated, then paused before she continued.

"Some days it’s like this. Some days I know what the future holds and I know that it involves the resistance, but also seeing my mother and a holding a job and the freedom to walk through Diagon Alley by myself. Other days,” her voice quieted, but to James it filled the whole room with screaming, “other days I know that resistance means death. Neutrality is cowardice and a luxury I can’t afford. So do I leave Hogwarts and go to University, to be a muggle girl and find a muggle man who knows nothing about front jabs or left circle twists, or the benefits of flicking down or veering left in defensive charm theory? Mum wants me to, you know.”

“Oh.” James muttered. He didn’t, in fact, know that.

“She doesn’t even know about Voldemort,” Lily informed him, “but she thinks it’s time for me to finish up with this world and go home and live a nice, normal life. She’s just always had it in her head that I’d be the first in the family with a full formal education. But that’s not what I want,” she shook her head, wringing her hands together. “I don’t want to be a muggle because I’m not a muggle, I’m a witch and I’m proud of my dirty blood.”

“You don’t have–”

“I’m scared out of my mind,” she whispers, ignoring his interjection. “I can’t sleep alone anymore. I read the _Prophet_ obsessively even though I know it’s garbage, and I can’t eat. I had a panic attack in front of McGonagall today,” she confessed and her hands are shaking so he grabs both of them in his and holds them tight as she steadies her breathing because she’s crying and he’s just trying to ground her like he’s grounded Remus before. “I hate being like this, I’m so sorry–”

“Don’t be sorry,” he tells her gruffly, “You can be scared and upset but please, Lily, don’t be sorry.”

Lily stares back at him, tears around her tired eyes. They’re still jewels to him. He’ll always be dazzled by their green. She doesn’t do anything but breathe deeply until she nods, the panic that rose so quickly taking its time before it ebbs out. When she does speak, her voice is unsteady but not unsure. "It’s been so much. I felt trapped because I didn’t know what I wanted until now.”

He waits in silence, because he knows that is what’s right. He’s not going to push her, and he won’t be upset at what he hears. The silence around them is disrupted only by her still shaky breathing as he absentmindedly rubs circles on her fists with his thumbs. They sit like this until he finally does speak up, a short question that meant so much.

“So what do you want?”

His hands are still gripped around her’s and she speaks to them because they are bony and big and familiar and they are his.

“ _You_ ,” she whispers back, and the hands tighten around her’s seemingly involuntarily. “I sleep when I’m next to you. I don’t feel the coldness gripping my skin when I’m next to you. I’m not afraid when I’m next to you.” She draws her eyes up to meet his and he’s unreadable, which is strange because James wears his heart on his sleeve. But he’s looking at her and he’s not guarded but there’s something hard about his expression, which is strange because James is as warm as his embrace. “I’m in love with you,“ she tells him and it echoes in the damaged classroom. "You know that, don’t you?”

He does, in fact, know that. His expression is no longer guarded and his eyes aren’t hard, they’re the most brilliant things she’s ever seen and his smile is blinding and his laugh is deafening until her’s joins in too and it’s music.

During her Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T., Lily Evans produced her first corporeal patronus. A doe was rather curious— her favorite animal had always been a cat. She understands when she’s formerly introduced to the real Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs in the month after they leave school.

The box James had hidden in his drawer is no longer there. It stays in his robes now, waiting for the right moment. Lily asks him what took him so long when he finally slips it onto her left hand. He smiles, remembering the duel they’d had months ago, and he tells her the truth:

“I always knew what I wanted. I just needed to be good enough.”


End file.
